Fool's gold shining...

Fool's Gold –noun:

1. iron or copper pyrites, sometimes mistaken for gold

One knows that Paris' lights don't shine that bright, or that going to the top of the Empire State building won't bring some "Sleepless in Seattle" experience.. yet we still want to go there and live some kind of 'soul fulfilling' moment.
The best movies you can ever watch are the ones you are playing in i.e. your own: an improvised script where life just happens... And sometimes you are lucky enough to be able to record them not only in your memories. It was actually in conservative London, where the animal kingdom played the leading role in this "Horse love" pure momentum:



Not all that shines is gold, neverthless we all need sparking little "lies" to fool us, now and then. Life is just that scrapbook: you waste as many pages making sketches until you get it right. However the more we sketch the more we tend to "fear" the upcoming outcome.
João.. "todo iludido" ;)

Ending up trapped in our illusions.. but those illusions are just the fuel keeping one going, keeping one alive: when perception begins and reality ends, where imagination plays twisted games with any down to earth mind... Healthy fact: “Logic will get you from A to B, but Imagination will take you everywhere.” *quoting Einstein* And who will settle for getting to 'B', when the unknown is what gives you the actual thrill kicks? Not that I am an actual adrenaline junkie.. far from that, but one is never too old to ditch a good solid ground eventually, and come what may!

“Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt.. Dance like nobody's watching and Live like it's heaven on Earth” ~MT



Ps: here's an example of how a sketch goes bad :) neverthless we will keep on trying till the end! *or better not for "glass" sake*

Tell it to the Skies 2: Brown eyed blues...

So there i went again flying on another sunday flight from Tallinn to London: the sequel! Not as exciting as the last one, two weeks ago, maybe because i was put into the right 'economy' seat this time *yep.. just another pleb*. I can't complain much as at least i wasn't in a middle one, secondly i could do the basic smooth journey: sleep, read, stretch, etc... And thirdly, my bag arrived *with me* this time :D
It was all going too well until, i arrive at the train station and decide to go to Starbucks... It's something really out of the ordinary as i'm more of a Nero's Hot choc 'gal' :) But Oh Well, the underground was closed, called a taxi and had to wait, so went to grab a drink for the way..

Nothing strange there, payed at till and walk to the next counter to get the goods.. In a few seconds: *splaaaaaaaash* happened.. that was my hot chocolate.. past tense! Pointless to say the waiter spilled the whole thing just as he was asking «Cream on top for you, mis...?» I'm making an effort trying not to laugh at other's misfortunes, when he just stands still and, ditching all the spilled chocolate, tells me «Beauty devil.. how on earth did u end up here?»
Caught a little of guard "Hoping to get that hot chocolate.." were the only smart *obvious* words i had. Then «Eres española?» aka the 'slap' in the face.. *are these the new age pick up lines!?* Saved by the phone: taxi waiting outside, some words exchanged here & there waiting anxiously for another cup, ended up with the question «When can i see you again?» Rushing out i gasped something like "see you again when i drop by on my next trip".

Definitely, there's something ego-boosting about sunday traveling on Estonian Air :) However, lacking confidence is something quite persistent, when it comes to own self-persona.. Not that i grew up with some ugly-duck syndrome, but i was the typical 'tomboy' in my teens, playing football and keeping male best-buddies.
Suddenly one of them looks at you differently, tells you something corny and lips touch... *tingly stomachs and bursting fireworks*, then a mind-changing behavior occurs: it's about being different from them, becoming more feminine.
Thus, you know you are growing up when... attraction and other 'complicated' emotions start to play along to make things weird.. something not as logic and rational like maths and science *even though the word "chemistry" is used quite often*.. and, also, when you start bonding more with your congeners.

Girls partying is as fun as it gets, if i knew what i know today i would have grown up much quicker. Being in your twenties, you will find that at least one of your girlfriends shares a similar crush/love story you had, you will also realize that going out is all about you and what you have in common, everything is allowed: dancing, drinking, saying crap without worrying.. Not meaning by this that guys are not great partygoers, they actually are, but the emotional 'experiences' bond is just not the same.. for as kissing a girlfriend will never bring you an awkward sense of "could this mean...whatever?".. *in a straight girl world* It's just a way of expressing friendship.

Friends, boys or girls, are the sunshine to one's soul and i'm only truly happy in the «sun»..

"Don’t wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don’t. In the face of all we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that makes us hold it together." *on Grey's Anatomy episode watched during flight* Cobwebbed brain with the Sunday blues reminding me how i just lost another girlfriend to a car wreck.. and end up trying to sell myself some bullshit idea that Jo, my homonym, will always be living in one's memories. The sense of losing someone is mistakenly covered up by the existing geographic distance, which becomes later unraveled on the next trip back home: Too late to say i miss you, too early to see you go from this world..

This week, i found myself lost in translation half of the time *again*, in charming Estonia. Though, I found out it's actually soothing to use those moments to "run away" alone in your thoughts, after cohabitating 24h/7 with people around you for more than a week.. Even my 'juju' *aka foot bracelet* got overwhelmed and decided to flee my leg. It's more of sentimental value then anything: a witness to a dazzling panoply of every step i took in the past years.. It's probably "happy" somewhere in the Baltics, putting down into action the feelling of not wanting to return, unlike its owner ;)

However, the best moment of the week came in a saturday movie marathon.. surprisingly from the less likely movie i would think of.. I encounter «The Square root of 3» in "Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo bay" and suddenly i'm travelling back in time to a high-school english literature class, citing:

«Think like a scientist, but end up living impulsively
Being so mischievously spontaneous as a mayfly.
Both constant and irrational, cohexisting symbiotically
Beyond transcendental: just like number Pi...»

“Being Pi's alter-ego” excerpt by me

Santa Ana doesn't blow only in California...

“	Those hot dry winds that come down through the mountain passes and curl your hair and make your nerves jump and your skin itch. On nights like that every booze party ends in a fight. Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife and study their husbands' necks. Anything can happen.	”
— Raymond Chandler, "Red Wind"

Anything 'indeed' can happen... If i knew it was all about wind flavour, i would probably check the weather forecast before heading out. In Portugal, this time of the year one would normally enjoy hot summer nights. Last saturday night was my birthday and even though i had partied hard the night before, there's never too much partying :) Specially, when taking short holidays to celebrate with your people, trying to get over the fact you aren't getting any younger and holding the motto "I STILL HAVE IT!!"

Even though one might enjoy to get exotic and surprising presents, some of them you don't see coming. Continuing.. it was quite a windy saturday starting with an amazing kite and windsurf beach maze during daytime ending up in my favourite open-air disco staring at the sea feelling the warm wind blowing.. While there, the last person you expect to see bids you hello and congratulates you with a cordial smile.. and shortly after jumps in rage to slap two of your friends for no apparent reason. I mean i said open-air not welcome to the jungle!? The world is never big enough.. i might as well be in California as I seem to have a fortuitous magnetic aura around me wherever i am.. Definitely the most original gift i got this year.. that and a bucket of sarcastic comments for the remainder of the night such as "Rita can you pretend not to be with us as you never know when another 'punch-drunk love' dude you dated will show up".

Relationships.. They have always come as new experiences to me with one obvious thing in common: men :) Not only that, but the fact that my only two serious ones, wrongly brought me into somewhat obsessive girlfriend 'duties'.. in the long run, an asfixiating and overwhelming emotion one is convinced that's just love, which tears apart the possibility of keeping it going.. It's like one's stuck in between parallel worlds as a mere spectator: the real one, where someone else constantly tries to take lead of your life's path, and.. the utopic one, where you come across all things you know you should be doing instead.

It's been 5 years now that i wrote down in one of my scrapbooks:

Life is interesting. You are destined to meet someone, be with someone and walk away from someone. If you are lucky enough, you will eventually have someone by your side, the one who walks closest to your heart, the one who shares your dreams and make those dreams come true with you, the one who holds your hands at any interactions of life and most importantly, the one with whom you are someone else...someone more like yourself.

Nowadays i still subscribe it *naively i still believe in it*, though most likely value freedom much more than back then.
Nevertheless, people are nothing more than social animals that feed on feellings and need to be wanted: Happiness, the bliss and Loneliness, the debris.. Most will even end up settling with the best 'offer' available at a given time in life, to avoid being totally alone.

Ideally, one will always keep on trying to find the relationship with the 'happy' balanced ensemble, even if that search stays dormant on some temporary giving up thought.. When suddenly, unannounced, a fresh wind blows your "door" open.. entering the safety of your thin shielded cocoon and re-start tippy dippy 'toeing'.. *ironically the best way to find it, is when you are not actually searching*
In the end, i come across an antagonistic feeling of wanting to love and be loved, but needing to be free at the same time.. perhaps i've just introduced a definition for the “needy loner” :)



The questions will always be out there unanswered i guess.. There's no recipe or magic trick as people's needs and wants make up such an imense world to try to explain all the 'corner' cases, like mine..