Santa Ana doesn't blow only in California...

“	Those hot dry winds that come down through the mountain passes and curl your hair and make your nerves jump and your skin itch. On nights like that every booze party ends in a fight. Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife and study their husbands' necks. Anything can happen.	”
— Raymond Chandler, "Red Wind"

Anything 'indeed' can happen... If i knew it was all about wind flavour, i would probably check the weather forecast before heading out. In Portugal, this time of the year one would normally enjoy hot summer nights. Last saturday night was my birthday and even though i had partied hard the night before, there's never too much partying :) Specially, when taking short holidays to celebrate with your people, trying to get over the fact you aren't getting any younger and holding the motto "I STILL HAVE IT!!"

Even though one might enjoy to get exotic and surprising presents, some of them you don't see coming. Continuing.. it was quite a windy saturday starting with an amazing kite and windsurf beach maze during daytime ending up in my favourite open-air disco staring at the sea feelling the warm wind blowing.. While there, the last person you expect to see bids you hello and congratulates you with a cordial smile.. and shortly after jumps in rage to slap two of your friends for no apparent reason. I mean i said open-air not welcome to the jungle!? The world is never big enough.. i might as well be in California as I seem to have a fortuitous magnetic aura around me wherever i am.. Definitely the most original gift i got this year.. that and a bucket of sarcastic comments for the remainder of the night such as "Rita can you pretend not to be with us as you never know when another 'punch-drunk love' dude you dated will show up".

Relationships.. They have always come as new experiences to me with one obvious thing in common: men :) Not only that, but the fact that my only two serious ones, wrongly brought me into somewhat obsessive girlfriend 'duties'.. in the long run, an asfixiating and overwhelming emotion one is convinced that's just love, which tears apart the possibility of keeping it going.. It's like one's stuck in between parallel worlds as a mere spectator: the real one, where someone else constantly tries to take lead of your life's path, and.. the utopic one, where you come across all things you know you should be doing instead.

It's been 5 years now that i wrote down in one of my scrapbooks:

Life is interesting. You are destined to meet someone, be with someone and walk away from someone. If you are lucky enough, you will eventually have someone by your side, the one who walks closest to your heart, the one who shares your dreams and make those dreams come true with you, the one who holds your hands at any interactions of life and most importantly, the one with whom you are someone else...someone more like yourself.

Nowadays i still subscribe it *naively i still believe in it*, though most likely value freedom much more than back then.
Nevertheless, people are nothing more than social animals that feed on feellings and need to be wanted: Happiness, the bliss and Loneliness, the debris.. Most will even end up settling with the best 'offer' available at a given time in life, to avoid being totally alone.

Ideally, one will always keep on trying to find the relationship with the 'happy' balanced ensemble, even if that search stays dormant on some temporary giving up thought.. When suddenly, unannounced, a fresh wind blows your "door" open.. entering the safety of your thin shielded cocoon and re-start tippy dippy 'toeing'.. *ironically the best way to find it, is when you are not actually searching*
In the end, i come across an antagonistic feeling of wanting to love and be loved, but needing to be free at the same time.. perhaps i've just introduced a definition for the “needy loner” :)



The questions will always be out there unanswered i guess.. There's no recipe or magic trick as people's needs and wants make up such an imense world to try to explain all the 'corner' cases, like mine..